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Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation,etc. inflicted or imposed on oneself,
either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
the act of turning one’s destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness,etc.

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It’s an exquisite pain to run through the thorny rose garden to get to the rose.

But what do you do when you get there?

You stand, you watch, you look, you see, you hear, you listen, you admire, you hope.

Because it’s all you can do.

Because the pumping adrenaline is counteracting the blood loss from thorn wounds. Because the joy of being near is counteracting the pain of realizing that the rose, with or without you, would be just as sweet. Because the joy of temporary permanence is counteracting the pain of permanent temporariness. Because you don’t know whether it’s the rose that makes you happy or the painful journey to get to it that does. Because you know that taking the rose away from the rose garden will cause it to start withering away to nothing. Because you know that leaving the rose where it is will cause yourself to start withering away to nothing. Because you know that doing nothing might cause everything, while doing everything might cause nothing. Because you know that you don’t know anything.

It’s one thing to watch another drift away into the wind, but another to watch yourself – and feel helpless about your inability to execute any corrective measures. And like it.

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